Hello and welcome to the American Airlines flight to New Jersey. If you’re going to New Jersey, you probably should grab a toy and your thumb.

We’d like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is . . . your carseat.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane, 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane’s rear end. If you’re seated in one of the exit rows, we recommend that you are able to walk and not in a carrier.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth, but if you under the age of 6 months – you may just look surprised, giggle and bat at it wildly with your hands.

If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children (yes, Colleen, they are talking to you), please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite (pick me, pick me). Help that one first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. It is probably not a good idea to allow your children to eat this piece of cardboard … yes, we are all germophobes.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. In the event that you are stuck in a giant plastic seat, do not worry we think that the seat belt may still work.

We’re glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing American Airlines, and giving us your business and your money (ha, not us! – thank you frequent flier miles). If there’s anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don’t hesitate to ask.